|
30 June 2009
Watching Little Big League last night (don’t even pretend you wouldn’t have tuned in) got me thinking, with all this draft talk (MLB & NBA), who goes number one if we draft only baseball movie characters? All characters are drafted as they are in the movie, so if you’re 12 in the movie, you’re 12 in the draft (that’s right Rowengartner). Also, movie quality matters, think of it as the sixth tool (yes, that means you Steve Nebraska) and I edited the draft order so everyone gets a pick. The first round is just starting, let’s jump in:
[note: As I started looking up characters for the backend of my draft, I found it had been done a few times before. Damn it all, I’m not all that original and cool. Nonetheless, here’s the one I did.]
1. Nuke LaLoosh (Bull Durham) – Washington Nationals
If there’s no Stephen Strasburg, Nuke is the obvious choice. He’s brings the power heater and he just graduated from Pitching 101 from the legendary Crash Davis.
2. Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot) – Seattle Mariners
There isn’t a kid in the draft with as much potential as “the Jet”. After trading away Adam Jones, the Mariners need an impact center-fielder to ease their pain. Benny outran “the Beast” and hit the cover off of a brand new baseball. If that doesn’t translate into a 40/40 player then my name isn’t Michael “Squints” Palledorous. And now I’m not counting the look into the future where Benny steals home by the whiskers of his moustache. Pick retracted if Benny doesn’t still have his P.F. Flyers.
3. Roy Hobbs (The Natural) – San Diego Padres
The Padres can’t help but choose Roy Hobbs to bat behind Adrian Gonzalez. Not to mention that Roy struck out “The Whammer” on three pitches! Sadly, the Padres didn’t learn the consequences of a 40-year-old blasting home runs out of nowhere the first time around and will have to suffer through years of steroid talk.
4. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year) – Pittsburgh Pirates
An easy choice. Little Henry isn’t even in high school and he was blessed with the golden arm. The only problem is that Henry slipped on the baseball again and lost all of his mojo. Of course, the Pirates drafted him anyway.
5. Crash Davis (Bull Durham) – Baltimore Orioles
I know what you’re thinking (THEY ALREADY HAVE WEITERS YOU IDIOT!), but think harder. Under the expert tutelage of Crash, Matt Weiters will be twice the player he would’ve been. It’s too bad they Orioles got rid of Daniel Cabrera, because you known Crash could’ve fixed that too.
6. Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Major League) – San Francisco Giants
Pairing “Wild Thing” with Lincecum, Cain and prospects Madison Bumgarner & Tim Alderson could form the best young pitching staff in the league. Rick’s had his off the field troubles, but seems like a laid back enough city to be forgiving. Hell, they cheered on Bonds all those years.
7. Kelly Leak (Bad News Bears) – Atlanta Braves
In the first of two Bad News Bears players chosen, Leak has unbelievable game. Leak can give the soft Braves the swagger they’ll need to take down the tough NL East.
8. Amanda Wurlitzer (Bad News Bears) – Cincinnati Reds
The Reds need pitchers in the worst way. Wurlitzer is exactly what they need. Don’t discount the fact that no one wants to get struck out by a girl, so she could do serious emotional damage to opponents. Also, Bronson Arroyo kinda looks like a girl, so the team wouldn’t have a long adjustment period.
9. Leon Carter (The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings) – Detroit Tigers
Having no quality catcher to speak of, Carter is their man. Sadly most of his prime is past him, he’ll have no problem hitting 30 homers in the bigs, even in huge Comerica Park.
10. Bobby Rayburn (The Fan) – Colorado Rockies
An absolutely great all-around player. This could be a problem though, because Colorado is just small enough of a market where a psychopathic fan could stalk from afar.
11. Dottie Hinson (A League of their Own) – Kansas City Royals
Out in Kansas City, Dottie could run a farm and raise little kids all while dominating on the diamond for the local ballclub. Dottie is probably a top-5 catcher in the bigs right out of the gate. She’ll most likely sign the first ever maternity clause into a contract in baseball history.
12. Ryan Dunne (Summer Catch) – Oakland Athletics
Oakland is a breeding ground for good young pitchers, this Cape Cod stud will fit right in.
13. Bingo Long (The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings) – Texas Rangers
The Rangers always need pitching and Bingo is the best available. Also, he’ll probably play much better only having to worry about pitching and not running the whole team. Definitely an upgrade in their rotation.
14. Clu Haywood (Major League) – Cleveland Indians
Haywood is the newest in a long line of big hitting first basemen in Cleveland. He’s one season removed from hitting the triple crown it’s a wonder how he even fell this far! The handlebar mustache only puts him over the top.
15. Mike McGrevey (Little Big League) – Arizona Diamondbacks
Arizona may be taking on more than they can handle with this veteran pitcher. McGrevey’s skills are undeniable but he doesn’t care about anything but his next contract. If Arizona doesn’t turn things around soon, Mike will be mailing it in before the all-star break.
16. Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game) – Florida Marlins
With all those youngsters on their staff, they need a big-time veteran to lead their staff. Also, good for the Marlins he’ll be retiring soon, so if they win the world series, they won’t have to worry about trading him in the inevitable firesale.
17. Jack Parkman (Major League II) – St. Louis Cardinals
Walking Pujols will only get more dangerous with Parkman batting behind him. Parkman will undoubtedly bring his little shimmy, but Buster Olney is unsure whether or not it will drive the women in St. Louis crazy or possibly puke.
18. Henry “Author” Wiggen (Bang the Drum Slowly) – Toronto Blue Jays
Wiggin is a great guy and good pitcher. Good pitchers are something the Blue Jays currently lack. I know that because I don’t know who the hell Richmond/Tallet/Romero/Mills/Cecil (their starting rotation) are and I consider myself a pretty big baseball fan.
19. Roger Dorn (Major Leauge) – Houston Astros
I hate to have Dorn this high, but I’m not sure the Astros have warm-bodies to play third base and they reach to fill a need. Dorn was an all-star at one point in his career and it’s the 21st century. I’m sure he can find something to at his local CVS to rejuvenate his career.
20. Bump Bailey (The Natural) – Minnesota Twins
Minnesota is hoping that their solid young core of good guys (Mauer and Morneau) can get Bump’s attitude straightened out. If so, they’ve got a steal here at 20. If not, they’ve got an overpaid team-killer.
21. Willie Mays Hayes (Major League) – Chicago White Sox
How long has it been since the White Sox had a good centerfielder? Willie would have some trouble with Ozzie Guillen breathing down his neck, but as long as Willie keeps the ball on the ground it’ll be fine.
22. Kofi Evans (Hardball)– Los Angeles Angels
The Howie Kendrick era isn’t going so well, so the Angels are wise to bring in a kid with high upside in Kofi. Kofi shows tremendous heart in the championship game after the loss of his little brother
23. Kit Keller (A League of Their Own) – New York Mets
Here’s another soft team that needs somebody to bring some toughness. Kit is tougher than David Wright, Carlos Beltran and Luis Castillo combined. Dottie’s little sister is a gamer and could easily play over Ryan Church and Daniel Murphy.
24. Marla Hooch (A League of their Own) – Milwaukee Brewers
Tell me if you saw her mugshot picture, you wouldn’t have guessed she was from Milwaukee. I rest my case. Sorry Milwaukee I still love you.
25. Lou Collins (Little Big League) – Los Angeles Dodgers
Lou is a great ballplayer and great clubhouse presence. Lou would be a tremendous asset off the bench for the Dodgers. He’s probably a great pinch hitter as evidenced by that clutch home run he would have hit if it wasn’t for Ken Griffey Jr. robbing it. By the way, too bad real athletes in movies don’t count because Griffey would have been the first pick easy. He hits an upper deck homer and almost ruins Lou’s chances with the mom all in the same game. Not to mention every time he comes on screen they play the most bad ass music is baseball movie history.
26. Pedro Cerrano (Major Leauge) – Boston Red Sox
Big Papi is struggling for two reasons. One he lacks a massive hitter protecting him. Two, and most importantly, he lacks a big Spanish guy to pal around with. Cerrano fills both of those needs.
27. Joe Hardy (Damn Yankees) – New York Yankees
Maybe Joe can teach the Yankees how to sell your soul to the devil and actually come out on top in the end.
28. Ed Harris (Major League) – Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The Rays are another team in need of a veteran presence and Harris is that if nothing else. You thought David Price was sick before, wait until Harris teaches to load up some snot on the ball.
29. Jake Taylor (Major League) – Chicago Cubs
The Cubs need some veteran leadership for Geovanny Soto to help him get back on track. Jake still has plenty left in the tank to do wonders as a back-up behind the dish.
30. Alejandro “Butch” Heddo – Philadelphia Phillies
a.k.a. the bad guy at the end of Rookie of the Year. Butch is a hilarious character from the tongue wagging to the home run antics. More importantly, Butch would be a devastating right handed bench bat opposite Matt Stairs for the Phillies.
Well that concludes the end of the first round? Anybody I forgot?
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
