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He could walk into the Irish Pub on Walnut St. and impregnate every female occupant with a wink and a smile. He was drafted by the heralded Boston Red Sox, and with a chance to play in the outfield with Otis-fuckin-Nixon , he refused. Not even the Bo Sox were good enough. The University of Miami got their reputation and swagger from his illustrious good looks and his ability to get into more vagina's than Kotex. When he made it to the big leagues, he had a nickname fit for a sultan of swat. The Bat. That's it. THE BAT! He called Billy Wagner "a rat". To his face. Where I'm from, if you have a conflict with a guy named "The Bat", and he calls you a rat, you better get accustomed to sleeping with fishes. Men wanted to be him. Women wanted him to be in them. And until he was granted free agency at the end of the WFC season, he was my favorite current Phillie. Pat Burrell returned to Citizen's Bank Park tonight with his new team, the Giants. And I'm sure he's going to feel twenty feet tall as the cheers and praise rain down on him with hurricane force. Pat Burrell's favorite beer may not be Dos Equis, but to me, he's the most interesting man in the world. But I really remember Pat Burrell in a less flattering way.

Toward the end of the 2007 baseball season, I took a job in Pittsburgh. And as I settled in, I carried my Philly pride all around my new city. People got to know me. The way I talked. The accent. The Flyers jersey that got cursed at more times than a cheating spouse. My drunken and obnoxious E-A-G-L-E-S chants during Steelers/Eagles preseason games. I was the guy everyone in Pittsburgh loved to hate. Because not only was I the enemy, I hated Sidney Crosby. And in Pittsburgh, you can hate Jesus, but you dare not take the Wizard Of Cros' name in vain. However the people were friendly and the women were plenty, so in time, I fit in. I met a girl who's father was a socialite in the area who had more connections than a South Philly kid named Joey. So naturally I reaped the benefits of her fathers left field, front row Pirates tickets. My first invite was to see my Phillies play in late April of the 2008 season. PNC Park had always looked beautiful from the river, so I was excited for a chance to see my team, out of Philly, for the first time in my life. But most importantly, I was going to be sitting right behind The Bat.

The night before the game, I had an idea for a sign I wanted to make. I called Steph to tell her I wanted to bring a sign. But I couldn't tell her what it said because I wanted it to be a surprise. Because we had only been hanging out for six months, I could hear the worry in her voice. But i reassured her that I had no plans of asking her to marry me. The next day as we arrived at PNC Park, sign tucked under a tight arm, I realized how popular she was. Apparently she's been coming to these games almost daily since the place opened in 2001. Along with her father's reputation, we were granted exclusive entrance to our seats.

My sign was never inspected.

Once we made it to our seats, I began coaching her on who everyone in the Phillies' line up was. And why Chase Utley was playing first base that night. And why Ryan Howard was not in the line up. But really, it was all about Pat and his team leading .354 average. I told her everything about Pat. How in the season before he hit four HR's in a four game series vs. The Mets. And how he's my favorite because I despise the Mets, and at that point, he led all active players in HR's vs. that choking team from NY. So she started referring to him as Big Bat Pat. And although I forgot to tell her his wonderful nickname, I went along with it.

After Chris Coste doubled home Jayson Werth and Chase Utley in the top of the first, Pat made his pimp jog out to left field for the first time. Just as he got close enough to where I was in clear and present sight, I held up the sign.

"Pat The Bat: Will you fuck my girlfriend?"

Just as Burrell looked up after Jayson Werth in CF brought it to his attention, Steph leaped up to read my sign. As quick as Pat showed a faint smile, I was covered in Iron City Light. As she stormed off, I made no attempt to chase after her. Embarrassment dripped down my head as the beer reached my lips. All I could do was lick them. But to be honest, it tasted good. It was the taste of victory. Pat The Bat's reaction was well worth the beer now reeking his jersey I wore. Oh well, at least the Phils were winning.

After a few phone calls the next day, I finally reached through to Steph and explained myself. We were clearly done because not only was her reputation disrespected, she felt I had more of a crush on Pat Burrell than her. The balls on this woman. And for an hour she bashed me and compared me to a 14 year old boy with a baseball card collection and a player obsession. Whatever. She didn't give blow jobs anyway.

As the rest of that magical season played out and Brad Lidge dropped to his knees as Chooch jumped into his arms, I was glad to have seen my world champion baseball team, even if it was only once that season. I was one of the many who was crushed when no deal was made to retain Burrell after the 2008 season. Why break up a good thing? But apparently the Phillies didn't have my heart in mind. While I wait for the Phillies to retire the number 5, I already have done it in his honor by not wearing his jersey since the end of that championship season. It's only fair. Mike Sweeney. Mark Weeney. There's only one Pat the Bat. Shame on any of you who think otherwise.

After a stint as a DH in Tampa Bay, and a brief stop in the minors, Pat Burrell was called up by the Giants this past June 4th. Ironically, on June 5th, The Giants were making a stop at PNC Park for a three game series. I had to go. Anybody who knows anything about Pittsburgh and Pirates baseball knows that tickets to games are easier to catch than a cold. So me and three of my buddies lined up four tickets to the game. Left field of course. In my Phillies hat and Pat Burrell Phillies shirsey, I gave him a standing ovation as spectators booed me and asked me if I was high. After all I was in Phillies gear at a Pirates game cheering for the Giants left fielder. Fuck them. It was Pat. Big Bat Pat! In between the 6th inning, I noticed a girl walking up the stairs from a handful of rows down. It was Steph. I called out her name, and with a smile she greeted me with a hug. It had been two years since I saw her, so we caught up a bit. The hatchet was buried between us. She told me she was there with her girlfriends enjoying the game and told me her friend Joanna was there to see Ryan Howard play. According to her story, Joanna was Ryan Howard's sex toy in Pittsburgh, and every time he came to town, they hooked up. Typical groupie story, so it wasn't of much interest to me, but funny nonetheless. Steph went on to tell me she met Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard last August when the Phillies were out in Pittsburgh last. She met Pat The Bat? I couldn't believe it! I asked all sorts of questions. Is he nice. Does he smell good. Did he attract a lot of girls. Does he drink Dos Equis. She answered my questions to the best of her knowledge although you could tell she was uncomfortable.

"Well I gotta get back, it was nice seeing you again." She said as she came toward me for a hug.

"Yeah, you too. Have fun tonight." I said.

She took three more steps up, turned around and yelled

"Hey, I know why they call him 'The Bat', now...'The Big Bat' to be specific."



NEW YORK -- Kyle Kendrick helped ensure that the New York Mets' miserable week ended with a whimper.

I don't know how I could have written it better than that...  When Kyle Kendrick shuts you down it's an unquestionable kick to the junk, not to mention the fact that the Mets are now a full ten games back and stumbling since the All-Star break.

Pelfrey didn't throw poorly, but the Mets offense only managed six hits the whole day.  If it wasn't for Jose Reyes' third inning lead-off home run they wouldn't have had any offense to speak of.  Kendrick went 6.2, Pelfrey 7.  After Kendrick, the bullpen combined for 2.1 hitless, shut-out innings.  Even Brad Lidge only needed nine pitches to get three outs, that's how you know your offense is struggling.

The Phillies found offense largely from top to bottom.  Rollins and Victorino combined for four hits and three stolen bases in the 1 & 2 to set the tone for the day.  Werth had a triple, and Ruiz had another fine day of his own.

The Phillies now tie the season series 6-6 with two straight series wins against the Mets and remain in a hot division and wild card race.  The Mets on the other hand remain struggling and looking for answers.

Last night was an amazing night for the Phillies.  The return of Shane Victorino (to tremendous applause), but more importantly a ridiculous comeback from a 7-run deficit in the bottom of the eighth no less!  Things were so bleak that I started watching football in the seventh and that was only at 7-2 Dodgers.  I missed the entire thing, I couldn't believe it when I got some celebratory texts.  It put me into a shock for 15 minutes that we actually came back and won.  Insanity.

Bellisario and Broxton combined to give up all 8 runs, only furthering the fact that the Phillies own Jonathon Broxton.  Time and time again the Phillies make the comeback and get the best of him -- last night, Rollins' walk-off, MATT STAIRS -- life is rough for Jon Broxton against the Phillies.  This time the walk-off came from Chuuch Ruiz who knocked the two-rbi double for the win.  Carlos Ruiz is a fan favorite in Philly for a reason, he always seem to step up in crunch time.  Plus, he's a hilarious little Panamanian man who we never thought would make it in the show.

Back to Shane, he got a huge ovation when he pinch hit.  Worked a walk.  Then gave the people what they want and stole second.  He looked good up there, I forgot how much fun he is to watch.

Ibanez' hitting streak is over, but Polanco's continues at 11 games.

Big shout-out to Casey Blake for extending the game with his error on a likely double-play ball.

Also, I love Mike Sweeney, that was a great addition.  He's not going to set the world on fire anymore, but he's a classy veteran and a great bat off the bench.

Great win, gained the Phillies a half game on the resting Braves.

In typical Chase fashion he's most likely going to try and come back early.  Hopefully the team plays it smart, but you've got to love how the guy is always rushing back to the field... Unlike some of those guys in Flushing who just take years off ..

PHILADELPHIA -- Phillies second baseman Chase Utley has been cleared to start hitting, six weeks after surgery on his right thumb.
Assistant general manager Scott Proefrock says the news is encouraging, but the team is sticking to its original timetable for Utley's return. When the five-time All-Star had surgery on July 1, he was expected to miss at least eight weeks.
Proefrock says Utley will start a rehab assignment when he's ready.
Utley tore a ligament in his thumb sliding into second base in a game at Cincinnati on June 28. He's batting .277 with 11 homers and 37 RBIs.

It took three starts and sellout home crowd, but Roy Oswalt delivered in a big way.  The big deadline acquisition three seven innings of shut-out ball. He allowed five hits, but K'd just as many.  Oswalt demonstrated all of his talents that made his such a desirable commodity.  Oswalt's final pitch hummed 95 mph by Matt Kemp as his 109th pitch of the night.  Some of his brilliance can definitely be credited to the big home crowd:

“There’s a lot more adrenaline than when your pitching in front of 15,000 fans trying to get to the end of the season,” Oswalt said. “I don’t get caught up looking around, but you can hear it’s a lot louder.”

Hopefully Roy can build on this because the Phillies could really use some dominant pitching with half the team on the DL.  If Roy, Roy, and Cole can pitch like this all together, the Phillies will have to be a playoff favorite.  However, we're a long way off before that, gotta make it there first.

Brad Lidge came in for the save and in typical (just kidding) Brad Lidge fashion he only needed 11 pitches to strike out two Dodgers and get a third for the quick save.  Throwing behind his only teammate Oswalt might have gotten him all jacked up, I don't know.  Regardless, it's much more fun no sweating out the ninth every once in a while.

Offensively, Ibanez continues to pace the team, extending his hitting streak to 18 games (Polanco is flying under the radar at 10 games himself).  Just when he looked like Ibanez might be washed-up, he puts this stretch together.  It's not about how you start, it's how you finish and I greatly prefer this sequence to last years.  Ibanez was certainly better in the first half of last season, but peaking through the finish line is what's important.

It's a tough one to lose Ross Gload right now.  He's been playing so well and doing a great job filling in for Ryan Howard.

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